Me vs. the new work computer

Macbook: Hello! I am pleased to meet you.

Me: I’m not sure I believe that.

Macbook: You seem awfully suspicious.

Me: Oh, believe me, I have my reasons.

Macbook: Well, I’m nothing like those unwashed hooligans. Anyway, you can either set me up yourself or wait on hold for 90 minutes for I.T. to tell you that they don’t know anything about Mac computers.

Me: I have made it my life’s goal to never deal with I.T. again.

Macbook, cracking its knuckles: All right, let’s do this.

Me: OK, I’m unplugging the old computer and plugging you in.

Macbook: So far, so good!

Me: Um, the Ethernet connection doesn’t fit.

Macbook: Well, I’m sleeker and skinnier than my previous counterpart.

Me: Yeah, I noticed that when I tried to stuff the old computer into your box.

Macbook: Yeah, that chunker was never going to fit. Try checking the accessory boxes that came with me.

Me: You mean this Mini DisplayPort to DVI Adapter? I don’t even know what that is.

Macbook, rolling its eyes: Yeah, you don’t need that. What you actually want is the Thunderbolt to Gigabit Ethernet Adapter.

Me: I feel like you’re not even saying real words.

Macbook: Just try it.

Me: Hey, it worked! OK, you’re turned on…

Macbook: That’s what she said.

Me: Please don’t.

Macbook: Sorry.

Me: You’re on, but the monitor isn’t.

Macbook: Heh heh. When you said, “You’re on,” it sounded like you said, “urine” in a British accent.

Me: What?

Macbook: Ahem. You just need to find the monitor connection. See that cord that splits into three other cords?

Me: Yeah, but there’s only one port left.

Macbook: Well, you just need to use one of those three cords, so it’s all good.

Me: Which one?

Macbook: Well, it wouldn’t be fun if I just told you, would it?

Me: Oh my God.

Macbook: Ha! It was the last one you tried – classic!

Me: Shut up.

Macbook: This is fun! Are you ready to set up your printers?

Me: No, because every time I print something, I have to wait three days for it to print out.

Macbook: I believe if you walk over to the printer, you’ll see that it already worked.

Me: Holy crap, it did! That’s literally the first time I’ve printed something and had it show up immediately.

Macbook: You’re welcome.

Me: Wow, this is pretty aweso–Oh, dammit!

Macbook: What’s wrong?

Me: Well, I had access to Facebook and YouTube and Twitter, but now I.T. blocked it again.

Macbook: Like you need access to that stuff anyway.

Me: Actually, I do.

Macbook, winking: Sure you do.

Me: I do! I write content for clients’ Facebook pages and copy for videos that are hosted on YouTube.

Macbook: Well, it looks like you’ll have to call I.T. anyway. Enjoy!

Me: ARGH.